Improve Your Q-rating

Dear God… it’s Dave. There’s something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about. It’s kind of a sensitive subject and I hope it doesn’t upset you. Back in my Catholic school days I read some Old Testament and I know how you can be when you get upset. I don’t want any plagues or floods headed my way. But, seriously, this has to be said… Your son and his mother Mary have to stop appearing to people in things like oil stains, tortillas and grilled cheese sandwiches. Look, I’m sure these appearances are meant to remind people of Your greatness or something along those lines, but come on… You’re God. You’re better than that. I don’t mean to sound elitist or anything, but having the barely recognizable likeness of Jesus appear in a water stain or a toasted bun is just low rent. Okay, I haven’t been struck down by lightning, so I’ll take that to mean You’re open to suggestions. So here’s mine… you need a publicist.

Now, I know as God You’re supposed to work in mysterious ways and all of that, but I think the time for subtlety has passed. These days You need to be direct and in our face with what You expect from us humans. A publicist can help you do that. I know Your holy name is already out there in prayers and churches and curse words. And who on earth has had a sexual experience in which your name hasn’t come up at least once? While that’s nice, it wouldn’t be able to touch the Q-rating you’d get after making the rounds on the talk shows. Imagine if You, God of the universe, supreme ruler of everything, sat down in some earthly form with Barbara Walters? Or Letterman? Or Oprah? I’m sure any one of those interviewers would have a plethora of questions for you. The ratings would be through the roof and You could finally resolve a lot of frustrating issues we have. Are You a Christian God? Or Yahweh? Or Allah? The answer to that simple question alone could end many armed conflicts throughout the world. Think of the lives that could be saved. And if you confirmed or denied the concept of eternal damnation and gave people a taste of what damnation might be like (maybe in the form of a clip they could cut to), people might actually get their acts together and stop being assholes.

You could also answer a slew of other questions we have like: “Do you really help athletes win championships?” “What’s wrong with gay people getting married?” “Did You like being portrayed by George Burns in the movies or did You see someone else playing You?” “Do You endorse Manifest Destiny or is it just a manmade lie used to condone killing other cultures and stealing their land?” “What killed the dinosaurs?” “Who killed JFK?” “Why weren’t the Star Wars prequels better?” “How much money does Bill Gates really have?” “Who’s going to win the next Super Bowl and by how much?”

I could go on and on, but I think you get the point. We have questions. We’d like answers. And we’re sick of getting them from the middlemen who run organized religions because they’re all saying different things and, quite frankly, we don’t trust them. At least I don’t. But if You were to make an appearance on Oprah, not only could You answer a lot of these questions, but You’d be more popular than ever. Do me a favor though. If you do go on Oprah, don’t get all giddy and jump around on the couch. It’s career suicide.

Your buddy (and career consultant),
Dave

Will the Real Anti-Christ Please Stand Up

Dear God… it’s Dave. A good friend and I have a bet we’d like You to settle for us. Who's the Anti-Christ? Ann Coulter or Karl Rove? It has to be one of them, right? To be honest, I never used to believe there was an actual Anti-Christ. I always figured hell, eternal damnation and Satan were man-made concepts put in place by people who wished to control others through fear. But these two have me thinking twice. Maybe there is a supernatural entity of evil that spews its hate upon our world. And perhaps that entity is Karl Rove or Ann Coulter.
Now in the interest of being fair and balanced, I must confess that my political beliefs are the opposite of Mr. Rove and Ms. Coulter. But even if I shared their Conservative Republican ideals, I’d still have to look upon the means by which they go about their business as... well, evil. God, I won’t waste too much of Your time listing everything Karl Rove is accused of. I know you’re a busy deity and I’ll assume You’re familiar with his track record. For the un-omnipotent, I suggest a viewing of the documentary “Bush’s Brain.” Or you can prove to everyone what an intellectual you are by reading the book the movie's based on. Of course, Rove claims “Bush’s Brain” is inaccurate, but if even twenty percent of it is true, he’s in the Anti-Christ running.


As for Coulter... well, if you’ve ever seen an interview with her you’ve been witness to one of the most venomous human beings I’ve ever heard speak. In her latest book, “Goldless” she goes after the always-hated September 11th widows. She wrote of the widows, “I've never seen people enjoying their husbands' deaths so much.” Evil? You betcha. And if that weren't enough, she blames liberals for everything. I guess that doesn’t make her evil as much as it makes her annoying and predictable. In fact, I’m sure as I write this she’s blaming liberals for her undercooked filet mignon. “Damn you Democrats for sullying my meat!”

Perhaps the real truth is that neither of them is inherently evil as much as they are inherently greedy. Both Rove and Coulter use evil because it makes them money. In the case of Rove, his below the belt political methods have made him rich and put him in the White House where he partakes in the always fun pasttime of disclosing the identities of CIA agents. Coulter’s use of evil has made her a household name and wealthy best selling author. I’m not sure how she became “best-selling,” but I guess the American people read her books because they need someone to blame. And she blames liberals… a lot. As it turns out, I guess neither of them is Satan per se. But do me a favor… if You could in some way, single out Ann Coulter as the Anti-Christ, I’d really appreciate it. It’ll win me a hundred bucks.

Your buddy,
Dave

Bush v. Stem-Cells

Dear God… it’s Dave. I have a request. Is there any way You could make someone close to President Bush really sick with some kind of disease or something? I don’t want You to kill them or anything. Just give them a long-term ailment that could potentially be treated down the road by stem-cell technology. That way he might actually realize what a moron he was for vetoing the embryonic stem-cell research bill that the Senate just passed. Yeah, yeah, I know. The Bush twins are going to need work on their livers eventually, but that’ll take years.

You talk to President Bush (or so he claims), why can’t you reason with him? He thinks of these microscopic cells in petri dishes as lives. But what about people that are already living? Aren’t real lives more important than potential lives? Don’t they deserve more consideration than an embryo? I mean, for crying out loud, the conservative Republican controlled House and Senate both seem to be in favor of this and according to one poll 74% of the American people are, as the kids like to say, "down with it." Even noted pro-lifer Orrin Hatch (R – Utah) thinks it’s a good idea! ORRIN HATCH!

Bush, of course, says he vetoed the bill because he feels embryonic stem-cell research “crosses a moral boundary.” And yesterday, fair and balanced White House Press Secretary Tony Snow commented: “It’s inappropriate for the federal government to finance something that many people consider murder.” Okay, so let me get this straight… potentially life saving scientific research done on embryos in petri dishes = crossing a moral boundary and murder. Spending billions to finance an unjustified war in Iraq leading to the deaths of thousands of Iraqis and American troops = morally okay. That makes sense.

I could go on and on about how Bush’s continued reluctance to accept science (thanks to his religious right base) is putting America years behind the rest of the world, but I’m not going to bother. Since the President fancies himself a religious man, maybe instead of the illness to someone close to him, You could send him a plague or something. Perhaps after a few million locusts descend upon Crawford he'll get the message. Ah, who am I kidding. Bush would just insist the locusts were sent by Islamic extremists and use it as an excuse to bomb some other Middle Eastern country. Let's stick with the physical ailment to someone close to him and see how it goes. Boy, 2008 can’t get here fast enough.

Your buddy,
Dave

P.S. – If you do make someone sick, don’t make it Karl Rove. No one would fund stem-cell research to save Karl Rove. But I’m sure You're already aware of that because you’re omnipotent and all.

The World Cup

Dear God... it's Dave. You know which one. Recently I caught a case of World Cup fever as it spread all over Your great planet. I'm better now and the itching and swelling has subsided. But after watching Italy defeat France in penalty kicks, I was left with one nagging question... why isn't the United States better at soccer?

I mean, come on, God, aren't we Your favorite nation? You remember, "One nation under God," "In God we trust," "God bless America"? If we're Your favorite, how come we can't seem to find eleven guys who can put a ball in a net? I mean, countries that generate less revenue than the McDonald's down the street are better than us. We couldn't win one stinking game. And don't bring up the game against Italy. That was a tie and the Italian guy scored the goal for us. Why is this great nation (a nation under God I might remind you) so bad at this simple game?

Is it possible that You're being wrathful and making us bad because of the whole "no ten commandments in the courthouses" and "no prayer in public schools" stuff? If it is, I think You're being a little petty. Also, I'd like to point out that if it does have anything to do with some personal displeasure with America, I don't think that's fair. I mean, sure America has it's faults, but we certainly have a better track record than Germany over the last century and they got to host the World Cup and they finished third.

Anyway, if you happen to have any answers, let me know. Also, see what you can do about bestowing some actual soccer skills upon the millions of American children who are wasting their parents' Saturday mornings kicking that stupid ball around. Thanks and have a nice day.

Your buddy,
Dave