Tagged

Dear God… it’s Dave. I’m sure You know this already, but I watch a fair amount of television. Which means I see a fair amount of commercials. And commercials never lie. That I know. They tell the American public exactly what they can reasonably expect when they purchase and use their products. I think it’s safe to say that commercials for beer, pharmaceuticals and weight loss products accurately portray the life you’ll lead if you choose their brands. Which brings me to my point. Why couldn’t You have inspired some scent-ologist to create Tag Body Spray about twenty years ago?

For those of you who aren’t familiar with Tag Body Spray, it’s this cologne spray that’s apparently a hit with teenage boys. And why wouldn’t it be. In the commercials, the young men who use the stuff get attacked by women. Literally! Beautiful girls come out of nowhere and tackle them. It smells so good that females can’t control themselves. Their slogan is “Consider Yourself Warned.” I think they used this one because it can also be considered a disclaimer that prevents them from being sued. If you’re not familiar with the product, go to their website -- http://www.consideryourselfwarned.com/. Skip the intro, then click on a scent variety and spray the dude standing in the middle of your screen. Then watch the girls attack. Awesome!

Now if this crap only existed twenty years ago, my whole high school existence could’ve been different. Instead of desperately looking for a girl who might be interested in talking to me, all I would’ve had to do is spray some of the Tag on me and watch the ladies come running. I would’ve been like a taller version of the Fonze. I don’t know if Tag would’ve given me the power to turn off a jukebox by punching it, but I don’t think that would’ve mattered since there weren’t a lot of them around in the late ‘80s. My confidence in myself would’ve soared and I wouldn’t have had to wait so long to lose my virginity. Things would’ve been pretty sweet.

Unfortunately, my time to use Tag has passed. I could go to my local supermarket and pick up a bottle of the stuff, but why bother. I’m married now and if I had a mob of young women attack me in public there’d probably be an argument followed by me sleeping on the couch. Also, I’m thirty-two now and my aging body couldn’t take the constant abuse of being knocked to the ground by lustful women. I’d probably end up in traction.

I hope the current generation of teenage boys appreciate how easy they have it. Back in my day, we had to talk to girls first. We had to put our best foot forward and hope they didn’t realize what losers we really were. We had to convince them we had something to offer. Usually we didn’t. It was quite the tightrope walk. Now? All they have to do is spray some Tag on themselves and the pretty girls will come running. Lucky bastards.

These kids have it easy now, God. And I blame you.

Your disgruntled buddy,

Dave