Improve Your Q-rating

Dear God… it’s Dave. There’s something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about. It’s kind of a sensitive subject and I hope it doesn’t upset you. Back in my Catholic school days I read some Old Testament and I know how you can be when you get upset. I don’t want any plagues or floods headed my way. But, seriously, this has to be said… Your son and his mother Mary have to stop appearing to people in things like oil stains, tortillas and grilled cheese sandwiches. Look, I’m sure these appearances are meant to remind people of Your greatness or something along those lines, but come on… You’re God. You’re better than that. I don’t mean to sound elitist or anything, but having the barely recognizable likeness of Jesus appear in a water stain or a toasted bun is just low rent. Okay, I haven’t been struck down by lightning, so I’ll take that to mean You’re open to suggestions. So here’s mine… you need a publicist.

Now, I know as God You’re supposed to work in mysterious ways and all of that, but I think the time for subtlety has passed. These days You need to be direct and in our face with what You expect from us humans. A publicist can help you do that. I know Your holy name is already out there in prayers and churches and curse words. And who on earth has had a sexual experience in which your name hasn’t come up at least once? While that’s nice, it wouldn’t be able to touch the Q-rating you’d get after making the rounds on the talk shows. Imagine if You, God of the universe, supreme ruler of everything, sat down in some earthly form with Barbara Walters? Or Letterman? Or Oprah? I’m sure any one of those interviewers would have a plethora of questions for you. The ratings would be through the roof and You could finally resolve a lot of frustrating issues we have. Are You a Christian God? Or Yahweh? Or Allah? The answer to that simple question alone could end many armed conflicts throughout the world. Think of the lives that could be saved. And if you confirmed or denied the concept of eternal damnation and gave people a taste of what damnation might be like (maybe in the form of a clip they could cut to), people might actually get their acts together and stop being assholes.

You could also answer a slew of other questions we have like: “Do you really help athletes win championships?” “What’s wrong with gay people getting married?” “Did You like being portrayed by George Burns in the movies or did You see someone else playing You?” “Do You endorse Manifest Destiny or is it just a manmade lie used to condone killing other cultures and stealing their land?” “What killed the dinosaurs?” “Who killed JFK?” “Why weren’t the Star Wars prequels better?” “How much money does Bill Gates really have?” “Who’s going to win the next Super Bowl and by how much?”

I could go on and on, but I think you get the point. We have questions. We’d like answers. And we’re sick of getting them from the middlemen who run organized religions because they’re all saying different things and, quite frankly, we don’t trust them. At least I don’t. But if You were to make an appearance on Oprah, not only could You answer a lot of these questions, but You’d be more popular than ever. Do me a favor though. If you do go on Oprah, don’t get all giddy and jump around on the couch. It’s career suicide.

Your buddy (and career consultant),
Dave