TEAM IMPACT!

Dear God… it’s Dave. This time around, I’m not blogging You for the answers to the universe or giving You advice on how to go about Your business. Instead, I’m writing to give kudos to some of Your most devout followers who are spreading Your message (or what they perceive to be Your message… who really knows these days) in new and exciting ways. I’m speaking, of course, about Team Impact, the Evangelical hulks that preach the Bible while smashing their heads through boards and blocks of ice. It’s basically like the WWE meets the 700 Club… and it’s hilarious. Some people spend lifetimes trying to be funny. Others, just stumble into it and don’t even know how funny they really are. I have to assume Team Impact fall under the latter. (Check them out for yourself at http://www.team-impact.com/)

A couple of weeks ago I couldn’t sleep, so I stayed up late watching TV. As I flipped through my many cable channels, I found a show on the Trinity Broadcast Network featuring Team Impact. They were telling the mostly teenage audience about the need to accept Your son, Jesus Christ, into their lives. But that’s not all. After going on and on about Jesus and sin and all that boring stuff, they finally got down to business. As kick-ass Christian rock music blared behind them, these righteous freaks of nature broke baseball bats over their backs, karate chopped boards into splinters and head-butted blocks of ice into… smaller pieces of ice. And if that weren’t cool enough… they all wore matching sweat suits. I have a feeling that if these guys didn’t have that Christian stick up their butt, they could probably land a lot of chicks.

According to testimonials on their website, these guys show up, do their ass-kicking, board breaking thing and then the people in the audience start dedicating their life to J.C. I’m not sure what it is about bible-quoting strongmen that makes them forget about everything they’ve ever previously believed in and change their lives on a whim, but apparently it happens. I mean, this can’t be the first time they’ve every heard of God or Jesus or Christianity. Why are they suddenly convinced to follow a righteous path after a fun-filled evening of watching big dudes break stuff? I’m not sure. Perhaps it’s the matching sweat suits. My guess is these converts are probably the type of people who are easily swayed by flashy presentations and peer pressure. Sort of like the guy in high school you could talk into setting his pubic hair on fire because you and your buddies told him it‘d be cool. I guess I don’t really care where they come from, just as long as the boys at Team Impact keep me laughing. I look forward to our good friends at the Trinity Broadcast Network finding other hilarious ways to convert young adults into Christianity. Perhaps they could put together a show about a group of ultra-Christian professional poker players. And they could play in tournaments all over the country trying to convert other poker players who are stuck at the same table with them. Can you imagine one of these guys going toe to toe with Phil Hellmuth or Mike “the mouth” Matusow? Now that’s good TV. See if you can’t make this happen. I’d really appreciate it. Thanks.

Your buddy,
Dave