The Naked Treatment

Dear God… it’s Dave. Can you do me a favor? I’m not sure if there’s a Hell, but if there is one, could You please make sure that Father Anthony Mercieca burns in it for all eternity? You remember the good Father (if not, his picture’s down below). He’s the Catholic priest who’s been in the news lately because Representative Mark Foley has alleged he was abused by him when he was a boy. Father Mercieca, who’s now 72 years old, retired and living in Malta, has recently stated (through his lawyer, of course) that he doesn’t feel like he should be subject to any sort of prosecution. Oh. Well, okay, Padre, if you say so.

Now, to be fair, Mercieca hasn’t admitted to “molesting” a young Mark Foley. However, he did confess in interviews to swimming naked with him, being unclothed in the same room as him and massaging him in the nude. Oh. Well, okay, Padre, if you say that’s not molesting... Sure, I suppose he could’ve done worse, but all that nudity alone should probably land him in the pokey. And once he’s there the inmates should feel free to swim naked with him, be unclothed in the same room with him and then demand a nice naked massage. In fact, all of these child molesting priests should get some of that naked treatment. But will this happen? Of course not.

While some priests have actually gone to jail for their crimes, far too many have not, which I’ve never been able to understand. As far as I'm concerned, the powers that be in the Catholic church who shipped some of these guys from parish to parish should also be sent to jail so that they too can enjoy some of the naked treatment. But none of this will happen because our government gives religious organizations a free pass. For crying out loud, they don’t even have to pay taxes. Yeah, I know. These priests have been shamed, the church has been shamed, blah, blah, blah. It’s not enough. When you ruin people’s lives, shame is not enough.

So, God, that’s why I’m calling on You. Since mankind can’t seem to find a way to punish these child molesters properly I’m leaving it up to You. When Anthony Mercieca and all his twisted brethren reach the pearly gates, you make sure to kick their asses downstairs… again, assuming there really is a “downstairs.” I have my doubts. And in the fiery pits of Hell, they can face the fire and brimstone version of the naked treatment for all eternity. Thanks.

You’re buddy,

Dave

It's Your Prerogative

Dear God… it’s Dave. The prodigal blogger has returned. Sorry, I’ve been away so long but I’ve been really busy with work. Okay, You know that’s not true. Sorry. Many noteworthy things have happened in the world since I last blogged you. Kim Jong-il has detonated a nuclear device, the Iraq war has gotten worse and worse and as the mid-term elections grow closer, we’re learning that politicians are corrupt and sexually deviant. Who knew? But the subject I most want to discuss is the heartbreaking news that Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown are splitting up after fourteen blissful years. Whitney officially filed for divorce today and, needless to say, it’s hit me like a kick to the groin. Because if these two individuals can’t make marriage work, what hope is there for the rest of us?

I’ve always heard it said that those that “pray together, stay together.” I always figured the true meaning of that statement was that couples needed to have many common interests. I suppose it could literally mean that couples should pray together, but I know plenty of husbands and wives that did pray together and that didn’t seem to stop them from getting divorced. So I’ll assume it’s a metaphor. And an You think of a couple that has more in common than Bobby and Whitney? They’re both great singers. They both have a lot of money. They’re both washed up. They’ve both had run-ins with the law. They both seem to like drugs… So what seems to be the problem? Why can’t they work it out?

God, I’m asking You to intervene and save their marriage. After all, marriage is one of the seven sacraments you gave to man. (To be honest, I don’t really remember the other six sacraments. I’d have to look them up. But I’m sure they’re just as awesome as marriage.) And by bringing Whitney and Bobby back together, You won’t just be saving their marriage, but the marriages of all of us. Because normal people look to celebrity couples to help us through the rough patches with our spouses. When my wife and I are in a rut, we look to the Browns, or the Federlines or Pam Anderson and Kid Rock for inspiration. Because if rich, famous, attractive people can find a way to make it work, well then, gosh darn it, we all can.
So, please, send down a charming angel to get these two crazy kids back together much the way You did in that movie Whitney was in with Denzel Washington. You know the one. The Preacher’s White. Wait, that can’t be it. To be honest, I didn’t see the film, but I heard it was good. Just do whatever you have to do. We lost Brad and Jennifer. We can’t afford to lose Bobby and Whitney too.

Thanks for the help.

Your buddy,

Dave