Tagged

Dear God… it’s Dave. I’m sure You know this already, but I watch a fair amount of television. Which means I see a fair amount of commercials. And commercials never lie. That I know. They tell the American public exactly what they can reasonably expect when they purchase and use their products. I think it’s safe to say that commercials for beer, pharmaceuticals and weight loss products accurately portray the life you’ll lead if you choose their brands. Which brings me to my point. Why couldn’t You have inspired some scent-ologist to create Tag Body Spray about twenty years ago?

For those of you who aren’t familiar with Tag Body Spray, it’s this cologne spray that’s apparently a hit with teenage boys. And why wouldn’t it be. In the commercials, the young men who use the stuff get attacked by women. Literally! Beautiful girls come out of nowhere and tackle them. It smells so good that females can’t control themselves. Their slogan is “Consider Yourself Warned.” I think they used this one because it can also be considered a disclaimer that prevents them from being sued. If you’re not familiar with the product, go to their website -- http://www.consideryourselfwarned.com/. Skip the intro, then click on a scent variety and spray the dude standing in the middle of your screen. Then watch the girls attack. Awesome!

Now if this crap only existed twenty years ago, my whole high school existence could’ve been different. Instead of desperately looking for a girl who might be interested in talking to me, all I would’ve had to do is spray some of the Tag on me and watch the ladies come running. I would’ve been like a taller version of the Fonze. I don’t know if Tag would’ve given me the power to turn off a jukebox by punching it, but I don’t think that would’ve mattered since there weren’t a lot of them around in the late ‘80s. My confidence in myself would’ve soared and I wouldn’t have had to wait so long to lose my virginity. Things would’ve been pretty sweet.

Unfortunately, my time to use Tag has passed. I could go to my local supermarket and pick up a bottle of the stuff, but why bother. I’m married now and if I had a mob of young women attack me in public there’d probably be an argument followed by me sleeping on the couch. Also, I’m thirty-two now and my aging body couldn’t take the constant abuse of being knocked to the ground by lustful women. I’d probably end up in traction.

I hope the current generation of teenage boys appreciate how easy they have it. Back in my day, we had to talk to girls first. We had to put our best foot forward and hope they didn’t realize what losers we really were. We had to convince them we had something to offer. Usually we didn’t. It was quite the tightrope walk. Now? All they have to do is spray some Tag on themselves and the pretty girls will come running. Lucky bastards.

These kids have it easy now, God. And I blame you.

Your disgruntled buddy,

Dave

An Inconvenient Request

Dear God… it’s Dave. Now that it’s August there’s a lot of media coverage regarding how hot it is all over the U.S. of A. I know this happens every summer, mostly because August is a dreadfully slow news month, but this year the late summer heat seems particularly newsworthy because of the buzz surrounding global warming. The environmental issue is all the rage again in part because of the timeliness and success of Al Gore’s movie “An Inconvenient Truth” and, in part, because it seems the ice caps are disappearing faster than Nicole Richie. Okay, maybe not that fast. I mean, have you seen her lately? Anyway, the good news is we don’t have anything to fear because You’re going to fix everything that’s wrong with planet earth. Well, You are, aren’t You?

As we all know, it took You six days to create the earth. So I figure it shouldn’t take You that long to clean it up. Probably three days, but what the hell, if You need a week, go ahead and take it. I’m no expert on all that’s wrong with our planet, but I figure if you just cooled things down a touch, added a little extra precipitation in some key areas – obviously not New Orleans – and cleaned up the atmosphere, we’d probably be okay. No problem, right?

Over the last hundred years you’ve had a front row seat to watch industrialized nations rape and pillage the globe. And while I’m sure You’ve been tempted to intervene, You’ve resisted because You figured humans should be responsible for fixing the damage they’ve caused. While I understand that position, I don’t think that’s going to work out. See, when I was a boy and I made a mess in my room, my mother made me clean it up. This taught me responsibility. However, if I had somehow managed to drop and anvil through my bedroom floor, I’m pretty sure she would’ve handled that one for me. And that’s where I think we are with the earth. I think we’ve dropped an anvil through the floor.

I suppose you could argue that we humans, particularly Americans, have the power and resources to begin reversing the damage that’s been done. But let’s get real. You’ve seen how Americans operate. More importantly, you’ve seen how our government operates. If you need a tax cut, or a country bombed, or a brain dead woman saved, we’re your guys. If you need radical change to the way our citizens live their lives and do business in order to save the world and benefit all of mankind… well, we’re not so good at that. So I’m asking you God, subject of my blogging, please intervene. Please fix the planet. And please give Nicole Richie something to eat… preferably something high in carbohydrates. Thanks.

Your buddy,
Dave

TEAM IMPACT!

Dear God… it’s Dave. This time around, I’m not blogging You for the answers to the universe or giving You advice on how to go about Your business. Instead, I’m writing to give kudos to some of Your most devout followers who are spreading Your message (or what they perceive to be Your message… who really knows these days) in new and exciting ways. I’m speaking, of course, about Team Impact, the Evangelical hulks that preach the Bible while smashing their heads through boards and blocks of ice. It’s basically like the WWE meets the 700 Club… and it’s hilarious. Some people spend lifetimes trying to be funny. Others, just stumble into it and don’t even know how funny they really are. I have to assume Team Impact fall under the latter. (Check them out for yourself at http://www.team-impact.com/)

A couple of weeks ago I couldn’t sleep, so I stayed up late watching TV. As I flipped through my many cable channels, I found a show on the Trinity Broadcast Network featuring Team Impact. They were telling the mostly teenage audience about the need to accept Your son, Jesus Christ, into their lives. But that’s not all. After going on and on about Jesus and sin and all that boring stuff, they finally got down to business. As kick-ass Christian rock music blared behind them, these righteous freaks of nature broke baseball bats over their backs, karate chopped boards into splinters and head-butted blocks of ice into… smaller pieces of ice. And if that weren’t cool enough… they all wore matching sweat suits. I have a feeling that if these guys didn’t have that Christian stick up their butt, they could probably land a lot of chicks.

According to testimonials on their website, these guys show up, do their ass-kicking, board breaking thing and then the people in the audience start dedicating their life to J.C. I’m not sure what it is about bible-quoting strongmen that makes them forget about everything they’ve ever previously believed in and change their lives on a whim, but apparently it happens. I mean, this can’t be the first time they’ve every heard of God or Jesus or Christianity. Why are they suddenly convinced to follow a righteous path after a fun-filled evening of watching big dudes break stuff? I’m not sure. Perhaps it’s the matching sweat suits. My guess is these converts are probably the type of people who are easily swayed by flashy presentations and peer pressure. Sort of like the guy in high school you could talk into setting his pubic hair on fire because you and your buddies told him it‘d be cool. I guess I don’t really care where they come from, just as long as the boys at Team Impact keep me laughing. I look forward to our good friends at the Trinity Broadcast Network finding other hilarious ways to convert young adults into Christianity. Perhaps they could put together a show about a group of ultra-Christian professional poker players. And they could play in tournaments all over the country trying to convert other poker players who are stuck at the same table with them. Can you imagine one of these guys going toe to toe with Phil Hellmuth or Mike “the mouth” Matusow? Now that’s good TV. See if you can’t make this happen. I’d really appreciate it. Thanks.

Your buddy,
Dave